Sunday, January 15, 2012

Day Forty-Five : Don't Care

Winter already takes a toll on my personal grooming habits.  I am a firm believer that true beauty comes from health and upkeep should be minimal (i.e., I abhor all the effort involved with a hair dryer).  Any additional efforts beyond being neatly groomed must be dire - weddings, fundraisers, meeting Vladmir Putin.

But beyond winter, I have really stopped giving a damn about my appearance at all.  I don't know yet how I feel about this, if this is really a step in the right direction.  I seem to link needing to be attractive with attracting men, because when you feel attractive and have applied some work on top of that, you are (surprise) MORE attractive.

Last night I dropped contact down the drain - the last one for that eye - which means it will take a while to get a replacement (slooow doctor's office) and so I will be wearing my glasses for a bit.  This used to drive me nuts.  Wearing glasses (and the expense compared to my present financial state) was part of what kept me from getting laser surgery.  And yet here I am all hipster - messy hair in ponytail, glasses, face that does not get put through a four step cleansing regimin everyday and legs that were shaved around December 20th.  Add to that very worn clothes that fit oddly due to weight fluctuations down (running) and up (Christmas) and down (running) and up (not running for two weeks).

At least I can run now, which is awesome because I can just stop taking showers after I sweat too.  Not to mention I spent my cash on a violin this month, have frozen my credit cards and thus cannot get my roots touched up until next month.  And they are very very grey.  My teeth are sorely in need of a cleaning.  The scar under my eye hasn't healed but is disguised by the large circles that have been appearing their lately.

No, winter does not make me feel like I want to be sexy.  And this winter is odd because I'm realizing that I have spent the last to weeks not even noticing whether there was anything to attract.  I have been entering public places without the obligatory "are there any acceptable men here" scan.  The last guy, I even completely forgot about for a couple of days when I was dealing with much harder and serious issues, but even after him popping up in a dream the residual effect did not make me go to the salon, shave my legs, buy a new outfits, or check for cavities.  In a way, the unattractiveness I feel right now has the added bonus of being a shield.  While my vanity in my looks has subsided somewhat, I am still too vain to let anyone who I once made out with see me in the shape I was in grocery shopping today.  People were swiftly getting out of my way.  Was it because I had forgotten I still had pajama pants on until I got there, then thought "fuck it" and shopped in them anyway?  With a turtleneck and a buttonless leather jacket?  And flip flops.

So, here's the thing, it's really really good that I'm not giving a damn about attracting men - in fact even trying to ensure keeping them away.  But at some point, I would like to get back to where I have been in happier times of my life where I make myself attractive just for me, so I feel the pleasure of looking at myself in every available mirror.

Maybe Spring?

And seriously, legs like a caveman's.  I could curl some of these hairs.


  1. laughing out loud at your outfit. sorry. if you're like me, sometimes you need to dip into your uglies for a bit to excavate the pretty again. sort of like using a breakdown to break through.

    still, i must remind you that looking pretty need not have anything to do with attracting those who dangle. (they have a dangler...why *at 35* does that still strike me as so funny). looking fetching and looking to fetch are two very different things, as you know. be not afraid to draw them in, woman, even during the remainder of your project. i have faith you'll have the strength to keep them at bay til you're ready.

  2. I'm hoping that yoga class this evening will lead to a shower and possibly application of some moisturizer. Well, let's hope for the shower.

  3. And the "dangle" comment has really helped me want to stay away from the penis even more. Keep the penis humor coming.

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