Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Day Five: Halfway

So, I had a little slide in the "no!" department, which I am going to blame on actually being constructive at work, which my brain thought gave it full permission to take a break and center back on boys.  The slide was ridiculous.  I actually went back, found the email from last crush that I had forwarded to sponsor with "sigh" comment so I could read what he sent.  Which turned out to be a guide on how much to drink at an office Christmas party, which was funny and got forwarded to a couple of other peeps.  Then spent a little while thinking of the guy - wondering if he would be around when all of this celibacy stuff is finished.

Which was then followed by the thought : "Why does trying to avoid getting terribly drunk at office Christmas parties make him think of me?".  And so, maybe this whole situation isn't really deserving of a terrible amount of thought and I redeleted and then double deleted again.  Safe.  For now.

A lesson I've learned from my own crazy ponderings is that it's best never to do things halfway.  Perhaps I'm being hard on myself, but here is what a simple perusal of that did - I wanted to immediately write him back with a witty retort to see what happened.  That I did not means either that I have a rock solid will, or more realistically, that this project is new enough and I am not yet lonely and bored enough to cave.  I suspect the latter.

So, it's worth it to remind myself that my most successful ventures in life have consisted of not doing things halfway, but doing them fearlessly and wiith full conviction that they will lead me to full self-improvement.  I once juice fasted for 26 days when I got fat (partly the product of an unhappy relationship), and I never gained that weight back (probably also helped by unhealthy relationship ending shortly thereafter).  Maybe this guy will be around to exchange flirty things with after this is over, but I don't need to care about that.  I just need to care about getting through the days (be they filled with "no!"s or not) and enjoying who I am for what it is.  And to hope, if, when this is all over and he (or someone else) does happen to be around, it won't turn me into a crazy person.  Just someone that can take love at face value in a healthy way and not expecting it to be a problem solver.

And so, more immediate projects.  Figuring out what I'm doing at work (made easier by some actual headway on a project that has been taking me far too long to do), losing the five pounds that are a result of Thanksgiving / temporarily quitting smoking and a harsh med change (still feeling it, but made my ass out of bed for barre class this morning - so far December has had a workout in every single day and the serenity is starting to sink into my bones).

So, not much to write except that I am still committed to this, so much more than halfway.


  1. checking in everyday... very impressed by your full-assed commitment. full-assed... get it.

  2. Although "demi-assed" can make it sound much more elegant...