Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Day Thirteen : Anticipation

Sadly, today I am living in anticipation of some sign from boyville.  I'm not sure what prompted this, maybe at the heart of me, I'm longing for a certain kind of giddy contact that I am not necessarily getting right now.  Or maybe it's that work is so slow, I spent most of it either reading boring manuals, number crunching to try to squeeze more savings out of the really hard rock that is my budget right now, or looking at the lives of strangers on facebooks while trying very hard not to look at the lives of strangers that I am interested in in boyville fashion.

Facebook is really a killer that way.  I wish I had the discipline not to use it at all, because it proves that people are all out there not being so celibate and seem happy that way.  So right now I am reminding myself that this celibacy project isn't necessarily about being miserable, just about learning to be content without certain things so that when they do come back into my life, I can enjoy without too big of a downfall.  It's just quiet time.  Still, part of me wonders how many miles and how many books before I'll stop wondering (and to my credit, this wondering has really been reduced a lot) if I'll ever get another shout-out from certain corners, and also wondering if ignoring the prior shout-outs was the best idea.  On a practical level - I know it is.  One a not-so-practical level (where I function most of the time), I am missing certain things.  I need to just admit that I miss them, let that bad air out into the universe and move on.

Feeling a little lost today and not sure if anticipation is what I should be feeling because that seems to implicate an expectation of an event.  How about expectation of the good times I have planned this weekend with me and my friends and just me myself (I am learning to really love long-distance runs).  And how about not sleeping through my alarm clock for the third morning straight?  Now there's a communication I'm in control of : "Yes, alarm, I hear you and will respond accordingly.  Let's get up, get moving, and get on with our lives."

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