Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Day Six: Unhappy

It's a pretty obvious proposition that when you're unhappy with a certain aspect of your life, it makes potential problems with obsessing over boys much more of a possibility.  Nay, a probability even.  The reasons for this are twofold.  First, you, being someone who has something unsatisfactory on your plate are not an ideal person to be around, keeping whoever you are with at arms-length and frustrating and confusing them so they push you away.  And two, because that supposed need to be loved to be happy convinces you that being loved is the only the only way to resolve that other unhappiness (or distract you from it) you become clingy and needy, also pushing the other person away.  Finally, to top off both issues, being pushed away leads you into desperation, rash acts, and thus, more unhappiness.

This is a tricky problem for me to solve right now.  I'm not sure that the thing that is making me unhappy (namely great uncertainties about my job and financial future) is really solvable because I am afraid of stirring up the dragon by demanding to know where I stand, or, finding out that I am most definitely stuck in my situation.  The latter conclusion pisses me off because I don't believe in being stuck.  And the reasons I am stuck - mostly financial - are probably solvable if I just continue to plan for the doosday scenario of losing my job rather than anticipate it happening every single day.  Such a stresser puts me in escape mode, although lately it's been more of a drop everything and leave rather than desperately search for a real man mode.  So, maybe there is some improvement there.

Part of my financial bitterness is that I am a bit overextended in the housing expenses these days, which also has partly to do with a man.  When I bought my place, I was on the verge of committing to spending the rest of my life with someone.  That I decided not to do that is among one of my best and wisest decisions, and I do not regret that.  However, that decision left me paying a mortgage for two, HOA dues for two and still paying this other person back for their half of the down payment and the furniture they left behind.  I should have bargained down the furniture, but I was too tired of him and wanted him out of life desperately.  Still, it's a lot of money thrown away every month which would have looked a lot better either reasonably spent or stowed away in savings to make the thought of no more work a little less daunting.

I think the best (and only) approach to this is to keep working - when I have work to do - and keep trying to find work when I do not.  On slow days, I am not to panic but relish the fact that I still have a job and also seem to have a little more leisure time on top of it.  In some ways, I am already mentally prepared for the worst, and at times I almost wish it would happen, which would be a relief.  It bears mentioning that a not unwelcome side effect of this lately has been a loss in libido.  Or maybe it's some of the medications I'm taking to deal with this.  Whatever, no looking gift horses in mouths.

But an underlying theme of this project - and one that is absolutely necessary to its success - is to figure out these problems so when I am released from little celibacy vow I won't go running for solace in the immovable and occasional restrictive arms of another person.

At least I got no communications from crushes today.  I admit to being a little disappointed, but also relieved.  Less for my mind to deal with.  How can you worry about whether someone is thinking about you when you are not allowed to think about them?  The two should cancel each other out.

I feel better writing this.  It hasn't really changed anything, but I have to keep trying and believe the wise words of my parents when they promise everything will fall into place.  God knows, beyond their own wacky co-dependent relationship issues, they've dealt with some real zingers.  I refuse to be the weak one who forgets that in order to achieve the spurious goal of a manhunt for happiness.

No comments:

Post a Comment